


So, You Stole a Credit Card

by Shleapord



Category: Daredevil (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Peter Parker-centric, Rated T for language and general Wade-ness, Team Red, general shennanigans, ish, me not knowing anything about Adulting, peter parker being pure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24665800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shleapord/pseuds/Shleapord
Summary: PP (stop laughing wade): soPP (stop laughing wade): you know how I do That Thing with The Guy at The Tall Place That We Dont Speak Of Because We Don’t Like HimMM: no shit?WW: what did you doPP (stop laughing wade): I STOLE TONY'S CREDIT CARD IDK WHYWW:WW: HELL YEAHMM: HELL YEAHI had a flash of inspiration at 11 last night and wrote all of this in an hour whoops.
Relationships: Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 16
Kudos: 217





	So, You Stole a Credit Card

Peter had fucked up.  
Peter had fucked up so bad. He was going to die. He was going to freak out straight off this roof top.  
Why had he done this? It was just sitting there. Right on the counter. Anybody could have taken it, maybe it was meant to be. right? Fate and destiny and all of that.  
Peter stared at Tony’s credit card in disbelief. He hadn’t _meant_ to grab it, rather as he was walking by he saw the card, and thought “huh, wouldn’t that be nice to have,” then grabbed it as he walked out of the tower without a second thought.  
Great, now he was panicking. Okay. Okay, when in doubt, text the Team Red chat.

PP(stop laughing wade): so  
PP(stop laughing wade): I goofed  
PP(stop laughing wade): big  
WW: are you dead, dying, or at risk of dying by bleeding out, crushing, electrocution or falling  
MM: don’t forgot drowning **[Sent with voice to text]**  
PP(stop laughing wade): no no no no no no and no  
WW: then what do you want its 9 pm on a Tuesday  
PP (stop laughing wade): well  
PP (stop laughing wade): you know how I do That Thing with The Guy at The Tall Place That We Dont Speak Of Because We Don’t Like Him  
MM: yes? **[Sent with voice to text]**  
PP (stop laughing wade): and That Guy happens to have Money ™  
MM: no shit? **[Sent with voice to text]**  
WW: what did you do  
PP (stop laughing wade): I STOLE A CREDIT CARD IDK WHY  
WW:  
MM:  
WW: HELL YEAH  
MM: HELL YEAH **[Sent with voice to text]**  
PP (stop laughing wade): idk what I expected but  
PP (stop laughing wade): what do I do with it now??  
WW: buy shit  
PP (stop laughing wade): but that’s bad!!!  
MM: Peter **[Sent with voice to text]**  
MM: he is a b i l l i o n a i r e **[Sent with voice to text]**  
MM: he won’t notice unless you try to buy Nigeria or something [Sent with voice to text]  
PP (stop laughing wade): oh yeah right  
PP (stop laughing wade): okay you guys are getting Presents <3  
MM: wait what? **[Sent with voice to text]**  
**PP (shut up wade) has logged off**  
MM: oh my gosh wade? **[Sent with voice to text]**  
WW: I’m love him he’s so nice to us

Okay. Okay this was fine right? Morally light grey. Tony was a billionaire, he wouldn’t notice if Peter got stuff for his friends right? Small stuff. Tiny things. He opened his laptop and clicked on the “x-mas presents but not really Xmas, just when I have money” Google Doc he had been adding to for years

Person 1: May: that giant stuffed bear thingie and (relaxing) bath stuff

Amazon was opened. Bear was located. The original website that the bear was sold from was opened and bear was bought because MJ would disown him if he shopped from Amazon. Bath and Body Works was opened. Peter stared at the huge list of options for bath salts and candles. There were way too many options, like, nobody needs fifty different options for candles, all you need are ten, max. Well, when in doubt, vanilla is always a good, simple option. He added a warm vanilla sugar candle to the cart, along with “Stress Relief Aromatherapy, clears the mind, soothes and uplifts” because Peter did a ton a stressful things to Aunt May and she really deserved at least one relaxing evening.

Person two: Matt: coffee (?) ~~beans~~ , ~~instant pod thingies~~ , (DO NOT BUY) new machine

Well, the problem here was that Peter had no idea what kind of coffee machine was the nice kind versus the shitty kind. Whenever he needed caffeine he just drank five hour energy and monsters until he dissociated and completed the given task unconsciously. But...

PP(shut up MJ): heeeeeeeeey so  
MJ: no  
PP(shut up MJ): Quick what’s a nice, fancy coffee machine brand because I don’t drink coffee  
NL: Keurig  
PP: (shut up MJ) and I need a Famcy Bramd  
PP: (shut up MJ) thanks Ned ily  
MJ: why  
MJ: because you don’t drink coffee and may drinks green tea and you can’t afford nice coffee machines  
PP: (shut up MJ) ahha well  
**PP (shut up MJ) has logged off**

Two Keurigs ordered. Matt kept breaking the office coffee machine, so maybe if there was a replacement Foggy would be able to get coffee more than once a week.  
Hm.  
Three Keurigs.

Person 3: wade: ~~more pants~~ , (no) ~~new windows,~~ (fixed already) ~~medieval style dagger~~ , ~~cat food~~ , (Matt bought some) narwhal  
Wade tended to obsess over interesting and terrifying facts about the natural world, partially because he was a fucking masochist and partially because he liked to yell them at Matt in the middle of fights to distract him. The most recent one was that narwhal horns were actually inside out teeth that had grown through their skin, which had put Matt out of commission for a solid three seconds and therefore had scored a 6 out of 10 on the “messed up Matt while fighting ninjas” scale. (the longest was 8 seconds, and was that golden moles do not have balls)  
Anyways.  
One gigantic rainbow flip sequins narwhal, coming right up sir.

Person 4: Ned: ~~LEGO Hogwarts,~~ ~~LEGO Death Star,~~ ~~that epic light up keyboard thingie,~~ ~~LEGO Millennium Falcon,~~ new computer

With all of the “Guy In The Chair”-ing that Ned did, he downloaded tons of programs onto his dinky 2014 laptop and seriously needed an upgrade. The least Peter could do for him would be to buy him the newest Stark desktop, right?  
Right.

Person five: MJ: ~~art supplies,~~ ~~plants,~~ ~~books,~~ (has e-reader) tote bags?

MJ: because you are who you are I presume you have suddenly and accidentally acquired a large amount of money and are now buying presents for everybody you know  
PP: uhhhhh  
MJ: warning that if you buy something for me and don’t donate to charity I will rip out your toenails  
PP: *thumbs up emoji*

Tote bags with ominous quotes on them and ten million dollars to various Black Lives Matter charities and go fund me’s, and black owned small business, yes ma’am.

Brian from Chase got a notification from Tony Stark’s credit card noting that “multiple suspicious purchases” had happened in “a short period of time in an abnormal location.”  
Hmm.  
Teddy bear and bath salts, probably for his wife, coffee machines, well the guy did live with the Avengers after all, narwhal stuffed animal, who knows but it’s not _that_ strange, Stark computer, strange that he would buy his own product but likely for the irony, tote bags with ominous quotes and 10 million dollars to charities.  
Seriously computer, you really have to fix your algorithm. Two weeks ago the guy bought a Dunkin Doughnuts store by accident and, according to Mark who works part time for SI accounting, still hasn’t noticed. These aren’t at all suspicious purchases. Maybe it would be suspicious if he tried to buy Nigeria, but then again, maybe not.  
Brian turned back to his work without a second thought

Predictably, everybody loved their gifts. May had been delighted when presented with the bear, salts, and a promise to not interrupt her relaxing evening with fatal wounds, Matt had Had A Whole Entire Emotion when presented with a coffee maker and more coffee makers after the first coffee maker was broken. Ned had screamed when presented with the computer because “it has so much storage Peter, like so much storage, and it won’t delete all my files if I hit the F key, and I love you.” Mj has been surprised and pleased when presented with the tote bags and proof of ten million dollars of donations.

Wade had cried when presented with his rainbow narwhal and promptly stole the credit card from Peter the moment his back was turned. (Peter knew he stole it, and Wade knew Peter knew he stole it, and they both pretended Peter didn’t know he stole it).

Obviously, the first thing to buy when presented with almost unlimited money is the Dunkin Doughnuts closest to the Artichoke Tower. (“Just because they didn’t write out the word ‘Avengers’-” “They didn’t write out ‘Avengers’ on their tower! The ‘A’ is up for interpretation! I’ll call it the Asshole Tower if it makes you feel better!” “Wade _no_ “) If you get banned from the store, then just buy the store and let yourself in, right?

Tony made a noise of pain as the hammer once more hit his finger. He shook it and glared at the tool, daring it to hit him again.  
“Boss? You’ve got a text from an unknown number. Would you like me to read it?”  
“Go ahead, FRI”  
“In all capital letters, TONY STARK I SWEAR TO GOD YOU RUINED MY DREAM ALL I WANTED OUT OF LIFE WAS THAT ONE DUNKEN DOUGHNUTS BUT YOU’VE ALREADY BOUGHT IT AND IT’S IN YOUR NAME I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT HAVING YOUR CREDIT CARD WOULD MAKE LIFE EASIER BUT NOOOOOOO end capital letters xoxoxoxox UwU OwO Deadpool, p.s. tell Mr. America I’m down to fuck ”

What.

**Author's Note:**

> With the list of presents, crossed out means that peter or somebody else has bought the present already or they don't want that present anymore  
> I HAVE NO IDEA HOW BANKS OR MONEY OR CREDIT CARDS WORK IM A MINOR DONT BE MEAN  
> I HAVE NO IDEA HOW ONE WOULD GO ABOUT BUYING A DUNKEN DOUGHNUTS STORE BUT LETS PRETEND WADE DOES KNOW BUT FAILS  
> support black lives matter or I will rip out your toenails :)  
> dont shop directly from amazon, find the product and then buy from the original website so you dont give jeff more money :)
> 
> thanks for reading!!!


End file.
